Connor is with Jesus

Today, on Friday, May 9th, 2008 God welcomed our precious little baby boy into the golden gates of Heaven. In our hearts, we had already placed an identity on our highly anticipated son. His name is Connor Liam Breeden; which is Scotch-Irish and it symbolizes wisdom. In just a week's time, Tim and I went through a wide range of emotions from the initial shock of hearing the news that our precious little boy had a severe case of spina bifida to the actual loss of him.
On Monday, May 5th, we went to Riverside Hospital for me to have an amniocentesis--which would tell us if Connor had any chromosome abnormalities in addition to his spina bifida. (We have since then found out that his chromosomes were normal.) In prep for the amniocentesis, we had another advanced ultrasound done. Though we had just had one done on Friday, we were crushed when we could see that his condition had declined in just three days time (the rapid deterioration rate was very unusual). On the ultrasound monitor, we could see that his head had swelled a third of its size since Friday--which meant that hydrocephalus (fluid on the brain) was already occurring. His head was already deformed (lemon-shaped) due to the fluid retention and we knew that this meant that his brain was becoming more damaged (and would only get worse with time). We could also better see the hole in his spine, which didn't seem as big or as severe on Friday. The opening of the spine was further up the back than we had thought it to be and it revealed exposed nerves, which most likely meant that Connor was paralyzed from about where the kidneys are down through his legs. This would mean that Connor would probably be incontinent with his bowels and bladder if he were ever to make it into the world. Reflecting on the past month, whereas most women in my stage of pregnancy can begin to feel defined kicks, I now realize why I never felt any kicks--because Connor probably couldn't move his little legs. During all of the ultrasounds since week 8, we noticed that his legs never moved--we were just hoping that he was a lazy boy.
Words can't even describe what we went through not knowing what the future would bring for Connor and us. Tim and I, as well as friends and family (and even people we hardly know), have cried more tears than we thought were humanly possible over the past week. However, we thrived on the strength that all of our supporting friends and relatives gave us through their unfailing love. We knew that there was still hope in Jesus. We heard several success stories about other babies with spina bifida, so we were hoping that Connor would have the same chance. We appreciate all of the phone calls, e-mails, cards, meals, and other acts of kindness that were given to us as encouragement. Even more importantly, we appreciate your prayers. It is truly humbling to see how many people care for us and lifted us up in this time of need. We didn't even know many of the people praying for us, but we appreciate all of those who opened their hearts to us during this difficult time.
By May 9th, Connor's condition had deteriorated even more and he went home to be with God. I am feeling ok physically other than cramping, exhaustion, and minor bleeding, which is expected after any miscarriage or birth when the uterus contracts to its original size. The whole experience happened so quickly and there was such a whirlwind of emotions involved that I can't even fully describe everything--the pain was more emotional than physical. All I can say is that Tim and I are deeply mourning the loss of our son--I'll never be able to feel his belly in mine again; I'll never be able to hold his hand or gaze into his eyes; Tim will never be able to teach him how to cut grass and work on cars. I'd be lying if I said that we could just bounce back from this experience as if we were unaffected. However, I do know that God's grace and mercy was with us throughout the whole process and it will continue to be with us as we heal with time. I know that God felt the true desires of our heart to have a son--and He gave us one, just not in the form we expected. All of our prayers weren't ignored--they were just answered in different ways than we anticipated. Though we prayed for a miracle and for divine healing over Connor, this is God's way of still giving us this miracle because we know that Connor is now safe with God and not suffering. I think the part that hurt the most of this whole experience wasn't the actual loss of Connor, but the thought of knowing that he was suffering inside of my womb and that he would never have the chance of living a normal life as a healthy little boy. Tim and I (and our families and friends) will forever be touched by this experience. We will forever have compassion for anyone who has gone through a similar experience, and I hope and pray God will use us to help others in the future. I know that God still hears the true yearning of our hearts to someday have a family and we will trust that He will still allow that dream to occur--it will just be in His timing and under His conditions.
I love you all so much and I appreciate all of your continued prayers for peace in our lives. We will prevail in spite of our loss, because we know that it is a gain in Heaven. We're taking comfort in knowing that God knows our pain more than anyone because He suffered through the agony of watching His one and only son sacrifice his life on behalf of our sins.
Connor, we love you more than words can describe. There are so many people who love you and were hoping to smother you in kisses when you arrived. You had several baby showers planned, one I didn't even know about until now. (The ladies at work were going to throw me a surprise shower on May 31st.) We can't wait to meet you one day in Heaven where we know you'll have a perfect body, mind, and soul. We're sorry that your time on earth was so brief, but we know that you still had a divine purpose while you were physically with us. Your spirit will always remain in us. My six-year old niece Emily left you the following words in her journal:
"To My Baby Boy Cousin:
I know everything is alright because you are in Heaven now and "GG" (my grandfather) is holding you. I love you. I will miss you. I'm going to go upstairs to lay my head on the bed to cry for a while, but I'll be ok.
Love,
Emily, Ruthie, Mommy, Daddy, Dog, Dog, Cat, Cat" (even in a time like this I can get a laugh out of the last part because my niece has two dogs and two cats and she signed it "dog, dog, cat, cat" instead of leaving their names)

Closing out this blog--maybe there will be "Adventures with Baby Breeden #2" someday. God is good and He gives us second chances.