After much consideration, I decided to continue my blog. I find that jotting down my thoughts into this blog is not only a good way to keep others informed of all that is going on in my life, but it's also very therapeutic to me. My last posting was in May, which was by far the most difficult period in my life as I had to face the reality of losing Connor. Though I know God was with me throughout the whole ordeal, I still had my moments of weakness where I questioned why Tim and I had to lose our baby while so many other people who don't even love God or want children have perfectly healthy babies.
I also had to deal with all of the insensitive remarks from other people. For instance, I had a few people tell me that losing my baby was God's way of saying that Tim and I weren't ready to have kids just yet. Though I'm sure they meant no harm in their statements, their words still cut me to the core. I also had people pestering me about when Tim and I were going to try to have a baby again. Last but not least, I had to deal with several other pregnant women share their happy moments of pregnancy with me and invite me to their baby showers. Of course, I was (and am) completely happy for them and their healthy babies, but it was so emotionally challenging for me to be surrounded by so many other new moms. It felt like a cruel joke that so many women would be pregnant and go on to have their babies at the very same moment that I had to mourn losing mine. Needless to say, there were many nights that I would curl up with my Bible and cry my eyes out. I was looking for answers from God and trying to find some sense of comfort.
Since then, I still have not found all of the answers; however, I have found comfort. God has provided His immaculate healing with time. He has shown me His grace and mercy in so many ways. He pointed out the fact that I was blessed from the beginning of Connor's life and it was a privilege for me to have ever carried that little baby in my womb. Instead of grieving over the brevity of Connor's life, I had to learn to praise God for it. Furthermore, I had to learn to trust God and lean not on my own understanding, but acknowledge Him in all my ways and allow Him to guide my paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Aside from the emotional impact, Tim and I had to deal with the physical part of waiting approximately three months (or two full menstrual cycles) before my OB/GYN gave us the "ok" to try for another baby. Of course, Tim and I wanted to try again for another baby right away. We knew from the bottom of our hearts that we were ready to be parents and that we wanted a baby more than anything. As a preventative measure (and as recommended by my doctor), I've been taking four times the regular daily amount of folic acid in hopes of preventing any neural tube defects from occurring in the future Baby Breeden.
As soon as August rolled around, which was in the safe zone to try again for a baby, Tim and I gave it another shot with high hopes that God would bless us with another baby all in His timing. Much to our surprise, we found out that we were pregnant again on August 16, 2008. I couldn't believe that it worked on the first try! I guess I'm a "fertile Myrtle." Tim and I were both shocked and excited that we were pregnant again. In addition to those positive feelings, we were also a little apprehensive. Though I know God doesn't want us to fear or worry, our natural tendencies still lead us to all of the "what ifs" and uncertainties that the future holds. Although I feel extremely blessed to be pregnant again right now, I'm still afraid of the possibility of receiving the horrible news that something could be wrong with this baby. Fortunately, statistics are in my favor; there is only a 3-5% that I could have another baby with spina bifida.
So, where do we go from here? Well, I'm already about 2 months pregnant as I type this posting. I've had one doctor's appointment so far. I had an internal ultrasound and got to see that little "peanut" with its heart flickering away. Dr. Yonkers said that the baby looks fantastic so far and that they will see me again on September 18th for another internal ultrasound. My due date is April 22nd! My blood pressure and weight are great; I actually weigh less now than I did when I got pregnant the last time. I will also be going to Riverside Hospital for ultrasounds, since the hospital's equipment is far more advanced than that at the OB's office. My quad screening (which is what detected the spina bifida the last time) will occur in another two months. In the meantime, all I can do is take my extra doses of folic acid (I'm surprised I'm not sprouting leaves right now with as much folic acid I've been taking over the past few months) and pray, pray, pray. I know God has a special plan for this baby just as He did with Connor, so here is my opportunity to really exercise my faith.
How am I feeling? Pretty much the same as the last time: very nauseous on and off. The worse feeling was when we went on our cruise to Bermuda and I had to deal with motion sickness AND morning sickness....the good news is that I didn't gain any weight from all of the eating I did on the cruiseship. Oh, and no sore boobs this time....I'm not complaining!
Conclusively, the Summer of 2008 has been quite an emotional rollercoaster. There are still many others who don't even know I'm pregnant. I've kept this pregnancy quiet for the most part, but I'm sure the news will leak out before too long since I'm already starting to see a little bulge in my belly. I'll post pictures soon.
Here we go again fellow bloggers....the adventures with Baby Breeden (part 2)!
